


to endure

by sneakygoat



Category: South Park
Genre: Car Accidents, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Physical Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-27 12:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19013275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneakygoat/pseuds/sneakygoat
Summary: "Don't get it wrong, Heidi loved Cartman, she did. Just because they got into spats sometimes didn't mean that she was unhappy. He still treated her like a queen. He still asked her out on dates and got her flowers. Once he even special ordered a heart-shaped vegan pizza for her."





	to endure

**Author's Note:**

> look. this is definitely a vent fic and will most likely stay unfinished, I just wanted to upload it since it took a lot of time and effort to write. however it is unedited so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> I stole the title and the quote "to endure is to triumph" from a book when I was a kid, I honestly can't even remember the book itself but! here yall go

When Heidi was fifteen, she entered a whirlwind relationship. He was her first serious boyfriend and she was completely in love with him, much to the confusion of her friends. 

"Cartman's sort of a dick," they'd say, but what did they know? 

He wasn't mean to her and that's all that mattered. He laughed at her jokes, told her how perfect she was, and really listened when she talked. He kissed the back of her hand, brought her vegan snacks, and wrote her actual love letters. No one had ever done that before. 

Sure, sometimes he'd say an insensitive joke here and there or he'd openly laugh at the physically disabled, but he definitely didn't mean it. Not seriously. If anything, everyone ganged up on him over the smallest thing.

Besides, when he told her how he his chronic pain affected him she couldn't blame him for anything he did. 

"You know, I only act the way I do because I'm in so much pain all the time. It's so hard to keep that inside, so sometimes I lash out, I don't mean it, though." 

Of course she believed it, she didn't want to look at the real reason. 

She had to admit, though, he couldn't keep a friend for more than a couple months at best. Each one was his absolute best friend in the entire world. 

"But you, Heidi, you're my real best friend. You're the only one who gets me, who knows the real me," he said and her heart fluttered. 

Their first kiss was in the school hallway during a passing period. He pushed her against a wall and roughly pressed his lips against hers. It was utterly embarrassing, everyone around them had seen. That was the exact opposite of how she wanted it to go. Their second kiss was a week later, in front of school cameras that Cartman told her not to worry about. He shoved his tongue down her throat and it was awkward, uncomfortable, and devoid of all pleasure. She was sure that with time she'd learn to like it. 

The cameras, however, were something to worry about. Within the next week, they were in the principal's office. He let them off with a warning, telling them to keep it in their pants. They'd get in trouble for PDA several more times that year because he wouldn't stop trying to kiss her or touch her in some way. Heidi went along with it, feeling as if that's just how relationships worked. 

Their first fight -- which she later realized was within the first month of dating -- was entirely her fault. He never showed up to school and she admittedly freaked out a little. She sent a dozen or so texts asking if he was okay or if he'd even show up. He'd seen every message but never responded. He didn't respond until lunchtime rolled around, telling her that he was sick in bed all day. That he didn't have the energy to tell her anything from how taxing being sick was. Immediately, she apologized, he told her that she should be sorry since she made his cold worse. The logic didn't sound right, but who was she to deny it?

A week later, she met his mom. His mom was nice enough, she made them cookies. 

"You know," he said, stuffing his face, "if my mom didn't like you, I would've broken up with you." 

On a surface level, it didn't sound inherently wrong to her. Her heart still pinched when he said it, though. He told her that several more times over the course of a month, he even went so far as to say that if his mom ever disapproved of her later on, he'd break up with her on the spot. His excuse was that he loved his mother. 

But those were just isolated incidents, he did love her. He bought her a bouquet of roses after her first choir concert of the year, he gave her chocolates on their once-a-month anniversaries, he told her how they'd beat the statistic of teen relationships. She knew he loved her because he told her that three days after they started dating. She wholeheartedly believed they'd get married straight out of high school and she was okay with that. Cartman was an asshole sometimes, but he listened and cared for her.

Their first official date was at Stark's Pond. The orange-pink sky offset the deep blue of the pond and he held her hand. His was sweaty and he smelled like BO, but she didn't mind it. He leaned his head against her shoulder and told her that she was perfect. She was happy with this, she was okay with this. 

A week after their first date, he told her that he had anger issues, that sometimes he got so angry that he saw red. 

"I'd never hurt you, though, I promise," he said. 

"It's okay, babe, I don't think you ever would hurt me like that," she said, smiling softly. She held his hand in hers and comforted him. 

The rest of their sophomore year together passed quickly, it was filled with drama and hurt, but they stuck together despite it. There was a moment, though, where Heidi almost broke up with him.

They'd got into a fight during lunch, he cancelled plans on her again and forgot to tell her until the last minute. She can't remember why it upset her so much (perhaps it was her breaking point) but she ending crying her eyes out in the girls bathroom.

Wendy walked in and asked what was wrong. Heidi heaved a big, shuddering sigh and composed herself. 

"I know this is so stupid to be mad about," she started, "but I just don't think I can do this anymore."

Wendy just nodded and tore off a piece of paper towel for Heidi to wipe her eyes with. Heidi then spilled everything that he'd done to her over the last year. About the time he screamed at her until she cowered and cried, when he forced his hand up her shirt and down her pants, when he called her a "dirty fucking skank" one morning and then later revealed he just wanted to fight. About the time he punched her in the stomach for eating a part of his sandwich, how she had to comfort him after that. She told Wendy everything and when she was finished, she felt as if a weight had been lifted. 

"Am I crazy for wanting to break up?" she asked.

Wendy placed her hands firmly on Heidi's shoulders. 

"Absolutely not, he's an awful person, you're not crazy at all." 

Together, they came up with how she'd do it in that dingy school bathroom. 

In the end, though, she couldn't do it. Somehow he roped her back in and convinced her that she was out of her mind to give up the bond they had. He was right, she was stupid to think that he ever meant to hurt her. It would just take work, she could endure it. That day, she came up with a new motto: to endure is to triumph. Though she probably stole that line from a book, she claimed it as her own. 

(On the days that she's sobbing uncontrollably with her knees pressed tightly to her chest because of something he did, she repeated it over and over to herself. 

"I'll be stronger for this, I'm I'm a better girlfriend for dealing with this. To endure is to triumph, to endure is to triumph.") 

In the summer before their junior year, Cartman surprised her with news of getting a job. An actual job, not some get-rich-quick scheme. Better yet, it paid above minimum wage. It was perfect timing with their one year anniversary coming up soon. Talk between them melted down to gifts and planning. Both of them agreed that this was a special date in need of special celebration. 

Don't get it wrong, Heidi loved Cartman, she did. Just because they got into spats sometimes didn't mean that she was unhappy. He still treated her like a queen. He still asked her out on dates and got her flowers. Once he even special ordered a heart-shaped vegan pizza for her. 

It wasn't like he was a monster or anything, he was just misunderstood and she was the only one who could truly get him. Only she knew what would calm him down, only she knew what would make him smile no matter what was happening, only she knew all of his interests by heart. 

And it wasn't like she was particularly touch starved either. It seemed he was always touching her in some way. Sometimes, after they had sex underneath the bridge (the only private place in town outside of the woods), she'd shower and scrub until she felt clean again. She chalked it up to feeling dirty from the grime, but that didn't stop her from scrubbing the marks he left and her inner thighs. But she never really said no, she always went along with it. That meant she wanted it. 

The one time she said no, it still happened. 

They'd been making out under the bridge, covered from curious eyes by shrub and trees. That day, she felt particularly paranoid. It seemed that there was always a snap of a twig or the feeling of being watched. Cartman got annoyed with her quickly, taking her face by force so she'd stop pulling away from him. He dismissed her concerns. When he reached down her pants, more twigs snapped and a figure came out of the brush. His hand quickly shot his hand out of her pants and they stared at the figure. It was a man neither of them had ever seen before holding an open flip phone. 

“Oh, sorry! I'm just taking pictures of the plants,” he said. 

Heidi was unconvinced and ready to leave, but felt frozen in fear. What if he had taken pictures of them? 

Cartman answered and the man disappeared back into the brush. 

“Babe, I don't wanna be here anymore.”

“Oh, come on, don't be like that.” 

Annoyance rang in his voice. 

“No, I don't want to take any chances.”

“Fine, but can we stay here until we gotta go home?” 

She bit the inside of here cheek and nodded. Surely she could trust that he wouldn't try anything. To her surprise, he didn't, they watched YouTube for a while and she felt somewhat content. Until he started kissing down her neck. 

“Babe, I'm serious, I don't wanna do anything after that.” 

He huffed and rolled his eyes. 

“Oh, please, that guy is long gone by now.”

“I said no, Eric.” 

He slid his hand up her inner thigh and rubbed it. 

“Come on, don't you wanna make me happy, princess?” 

“Well, yeah, but can't we do this another day?”

He cupped his hand over her crotch, 

“I dunno, babe, you feel pretty hot down there.”

“I don't see what that has to do with anyth-” 

He kissed her and quickly slid his hands down her pants. 

“And you're wet! You get off on being watched, don't you, slut?” 

She didn't, she actually felt sick but said nothing, she looked away and hid her face in the crook of her arm. 

There was no pleasure in any of it. It hurt, he touched the wrong spots, he mistook her wincing as her enjoyment, calling her a slut or a whore each time she did it. She was hyper aware of their surroundings but not of what was happening to her. She felt unreal yet impossibly too real at the same time. With every snapped twig, she felt as if that man was watching, taking pictures. She swore she heard a voice (maybe two) talking and movement. Anytime she tried to stop him, he'd huff and listen for a second before telling her to relax and enjoy the moment. 

“See? Nothing,” he'd say, but the unease in her stomach only grew stronger. She knew he'd keep going until she finished, even if he did already. So, she faked. It wasn't like she never did before, she did all the right movements, all the right breathing, everything until he thought she came. Afterward, he had a giant grin on his face. 

“I know that one was good, you can't fake that.” 

She smiled tightly and laughed. 

Heidi can't remember how she got home that day, in fact, if she looked back, she couldn't remember most of that day, only that there was a man taking pictures, she was scared, and that she had sex that she didn't necessarily want. But it's not like she pushed him away, or said no sternly enough. Maybe she laughed when he said it. Maybe she kissed back a little too eagerly. She didn't know. She did take a shower after that. She washed the dirt, the grime, and the sweat off of her until her skin stung. She scrubbed her thighs until she felt better. When she got out, she was fine. 

And it's not like he did that often. She's pretty sure that's the only time it happened. Every other time she said yes, it was fine. They were fine. 

So, on their first year anniversary, they dressed up and went to Olive Garden for dinner. It was good. It was, she genuinely laughed and smiled. It reaffirmed that he was a good person and he did love her. That night, he gave her a ring to wear. Nothing was said, but the implications of it were clear. They often talked about it, getting married after school, moving in together, having kids, basically everything she wanted. She happily slid it on to her finger. 

Cartman got a car that summer, and often they'd go for drives. Sometimes, he scared her. One slick, rainy day, he was mad while they were in Denver. He sped up the car so fast she thought they'd slip and crash. He hit the wheel and dashboard, her heart skipping a beat each time. She couldn't say anything, once again frozen in fear. Her heart was in her throat as she tried to control her breathing. She didn't want to make him angrier. He slowed down. 

“Sorry,” he said flatly, “You know how I get when I'm mad.” 

A couple weeks before their junior year, they got in a car crash. 

The day had been rather upsetting for Heidi. They'd gone to Denver for a bit of shopping. First, they went to the mall to buy a gift for Wendy, while Cartman hated her, he knew Heidi wouldn't give her up as a friend. Then, they went to Chipotle, and he ordered for her. It wasn't particularly appetizing, it was filled with rice, extra sour cream, and beef, but she ate some of it. She felt fat, her face was greasy. He drove them to Wal-Mart with the offhand comment that he needed clothes and she could get some too. She didn't necessarily want to try on clothes, but she agreed anyway. He wanted to pick them out, so she let him. She waited patiently for him to finish and hand her the clothes. When she looked at the sizes, she felt her stomach tighten. 

“This is a small and a medium, these won't fit, babe. I need a large.” 

“No, trust me, my mom told me stores always have weird sizes, trust me, they'll fit. I know your body, babe.”

“No, I know these won't, I'm getting larges.”

“At least try them on first? What if I'm right?” He gave her that look. She nodded and went into the fitting room. Maybe she could've faked putting it on, but she was scared to not follow his orders, knowing he'd find a way to make it a punishment. 

She took off her shirt and looked at her body in the mirror, she'd gained some weight. Her stomach was chubbier and there were stretch marks on her sides. 

She tried on the medium first, which was tight, but not enough to warrant her to not get it. Heidi swallowed as she saw how the fabric clung to her newly acquired fat. Quickly, she took it off and reached for the small. The one she knew wouldn't fit over her boobs even if she tried. 

It was a particularly awful feeling, her throat closed up and her face grew hot with shame. Heidi scrambled to get the shirt off of her body as fast as possible. Tears sprang to her eyes as she put her shirt back on. When she exited the fitting room, she told him the small didn't fit at all. A wry smile stretched across his face. 

“That's alright, I wouldn't mind that,” he said. She nervously laughed and kept quiet. He had a penchant for trying to dress her in clothes that were too small for her. He implied that it was sexy.

In the end, he didn't buy it and she thanked whatever god happened to be up there. Once they got to they car, he told her he was taking a nap. 

“But, babe, it's really hot out, I'd rather just give Wendy her birthday present and go over to your place!” 

“I'm tired, okay?! It'll only be fifteen minutes, you'll be fine.” 

She nodded and pulled out her phone, ready to endure the sticky, muggy heat that permeated in the car. After he had woken up, they began their way home. 

The crash itself wasn't particularly awful. No one died, no one got seriously injured. Cartman was on the ground crying, begging her to not leave him for this (though they both knew it wasn't necessarily his fault). Her voice wobbled when she called the police and her mother, she remembered how hot the sun was on her black leather shoes as they stood in the middle of the highway talking to the police. She remembered her mom coming and scanning her eyes all over her to make sure she was okay. She remembered talking, responding, but she felt nothing. Heidi felt as if she were in a movie theater, just watching. 

They both went home after that and didn't see each other until the beginning of junior year. 

That day, excitement bubbled under her skin, she wanted to see him so badly that she ached. She did her hair and wore a nice dress just for him. When she saw him, he smiled and she basically ran to him. They hugged each other tightly and snuck in a brief, discreet kiss. It was like the crash hadn't even happened.

“I'm so happy I can finally see you, baby!” 

He smiled and said likewise, and they held hands as they walked through the halls before school started. Every time she began to talk, he would cut her off or see someone he hadn't talked to over the course of the summer and left her trailing behind him like a puppy. If she was being honest with herself, she wanted to cry. She wanted to ask why everyone else was more important than she was. But she held it in, smiling and reminding herself that there was always a bathroom stall to cry in. 

Which was exactly what she did, of course. She held it in until second period, where she politely excused herself to the bathroom. 

Her face crumpled as soon as the stall door was behind her, tears streamed down her face. She sat on the toilet with her hands grabbing fistfuls of her hair, pulling and tugging. Heidi's breathing was ragged, going too quick to really get any actual air in. Her eyes were squeezed shut away she rocked back and forth. 

She couldn't understand why this made her feel that way, it wasn't like he did anything wrong. She knew she was just overreacting. She knew she was a piece of shit for feeling that way, that she was just being selfish. 

“Oh, God, please stop,” she whispered, her voice caught in her throat. She wanted to throw up. 

It didn't. She didn't. 

That was what half of their relationship was like, rocking back and forth in a small bathroom stall, wondering if how she felt made her a bad person. 

The other half was her fawning over Cartman, putting him first on her list of priorities. He would put her second, third, fourth, or not at all. She was ready to go through all of that (if only for him). She knew that if they could only leave that small town together, it'd change. 

Then, barely a month into junior year on a school night. She heard her parents starting to fight. Her ears perked up as a sickening feeling pooled in her stomach. They never fought.

Sure, they had their quarrels, but never like this. Her father spoke in low tones, while her mother's passionate voice rang out. In the morning, he was gone and her mother sat at the kitchen table. 

“Hey, mom,” she said, hoping everything was alright and that perhaps what she heard was a dream. 

“Honey, I have to tell you something,” her voice wobbled and the pit in Heidi's stomach grew larger. 

"I don't want to lie to you, so I won't. Your father and I are getting a divorce."


End file.
